Life under a power line
After I finished yet another exam session, I seriously contemplated suicide. And after an argument with a friend, I experienced a panic attack, something I hadn't had to deal with for two years. So I decided to return to the psychiatric clinic. Even though I was still taking medication at a minimal dose, just so I could dream at night.
And a month passed before, on my twentieth birthday, I felt an acute sense of death at my own hands. I didn't even need to think: my feelings imagined everything on their own.
And then autumn began. Exactly one year has passed since it all started. And now I feel literally nothing. I keep taking my medication, sometimes I forget to take it, but I keep going. And with the arrival of the third month of autumn, I still feel nothing.
I've stopped hating myself and hating the people close to me. I've stopped constantly worrying and chewing over intrusive thoughts. But along with that, I've felt an emptiness in my head. I've felt this before, although I barely remember the last three years. Maybe those thoughts were so loud that I've gone deaf now? And can no longer hear the whisper of a favourite song or the rustle of new ideas?
I picked up my phone to take a picture of the clear blue sky. But I froze. There was a power line above me. It divided us from the sky... or perhaps it was becoming part of the scenery in the final photograph?
The same question came to mind about antidepressants. What am I supposed to do if I can't touch the power line to remove it? What am I supposed to do if I long so desperately for self-destruction, but when I try to avoid it, I lose not only the desire to die, but also the desire to create. And the desire for anything at all.
My thoughts become dull, and I start feeling normal. Ordinary. Even... like an outsider.
Maybe it would be easier to redirect this energy away from self-destruction and towards self-development?
I wish I knew that such an option was possible. That I could live without a harness made of power lines around my cheeks and still remain alive, while continuing to desire.